Well here goes my first blog entry I've ever written. I don't really know what to write about. Since, this is for an English course I guess I'll start it off by saying that I'm really bad at writing. I don't just mean that the finished product of what I write is bad. Writing is a process not some solitary action or product. It's way more than that. It's a complex process where every word written influences what will be written next as well as how what has already been written will be developed. That's why being bad at writing is so much more of a bummer than being bad at singing, or cooking or whatever. Words are the most common form of artistic expression, because a lot of people in general have a hard time shutting up. I'm no exception hah. Thoughts seem to zip through my head, but I can't seem to put them into words on paper. I find that most of the time I'm able to speak these thoughts in a way that expresses what I am thinking adequately. Sometimes more than adequately. Sometimes I even make myself proud. This is never the case with writing though! I think it's mostly because I don't feel motivated. I mean like, any task loses it's appeal when it's forced on you, so does my ability to write down my thoughts and feelings clearly on paper disappear when I sit to write or type them. Or there are just too many rules and restrictions placed upon what you are trying to write. I could spend forever speculating about why I have such a difficult time and try to psychoanalyze myself, even though the only things I know about human psychology is from a required GE course at a junior college. And I hate when people do that kind of thing anyway and act as though they have a confident explanation for my hardships with the writing process. It would probably all come to down to my lack of ability to piece my thoughts together clearly in front of a computer screen or a blank notebook. When I do feel motivated and confident about writing something, I just can't seem to transfer it onto paper. For example, the other night I was convinced that I could write a book. Not only did I have enough ideas to do this conceptually, I had actual words and phrases running through my head. But as soon as I sit in front of my laptop I can't connect words to anything that I was thinking that night. I can barely remember what I was thinking. Writing is such a difficult process for me. You come up with a concept, rework it, start typing, develop the concept, and make a point. Then you have words written down that hopefully say the same thing to you, let alone other readers, what you where thinking as you were writing them. Since my thoughts are usually all over the place and my mind seems to hibernate when I actually go to write them, even just having a clear concept is a challenge. I try to just type without thinking and let my concept develop itself, but that usually doesn't work for me. Most of the time I just end up messing around with playlists on itunes or staring at the squiggly green and red lines all over my word document. On the rare occasion that I actually am able to write out something quick, the result is something that captures my thoughts exactly at that exact moment. The words make perfect sense as I write them, describing to me exactly what I am feeling and thinking. But by the time I've finished it's too late. The moment is over, gone forever and so is my understanding of what I've written. It's meaningless before it's even complete. I would rate that pretty high on what demotivates me. So that explains the reasons for my avoiding any type of English course throughout my college career unless I HAVE to take it. Also, probably the reason why I was unsuccessful with the JEPET haha. So to wrap this up before I start getting off topic like I usually do. All my failures at every step of the writing process kicks the butt of a butchered tune or burnt dish in my lack of abilities department. Hopefully with the help of this course I'll be able to improve my writing skills and prove to myself that I can have some sort of success in writing. I could also set myself up for failure, but I imagine that I would at least be able to come up with a better premise for a blog entry than I suck so much at writing! Maybe next time I'll write about sharks or something.